“BoBandie”
WHO WAS THE PERSON IN YOUR LIFE WITH THE EATING DISORDER?
WAS THERE A TIME WHEN YOU FELT LIKE RECOVERY WOULD NEVER HAPPEN?
- Our daughter was diagnosed with AN at 15, just as the world locked down for COVID. We knew something was going on, but definitely did not think of an eating disorder! Her decline was rapid -, as her entire life changed (school locked down, unable to see friends, et) I was trying to wrap my head around our new normal. There was no support in place yet. Nothing I tried got her to eat. I could not find the right piece of leverage. She fell lower and lower. Her self harm increased. She didn’t care if I took her phone, she stayed in bed most of the day, nobody seemed to reach her. I felt I was watching her die, and I couldn’t help. She stopped eating completely, for 3 days. I was sick with what to do. I waited until the middle of the night, and called an ambulance. I knew she would not go willingly. She had had hidden and run away in the past, to avoid food/help. The paramedics arrived. They were in full face masks, gloves, etc, and sounded like Darth Vader. It was very intimidating. They ended up taking her to the ER, straight to psych. When my daughter came home several days later, she told me the younger paramedic had spoken of her own journey through self harm and anorexia. Had hugged her, told her about her life now. This situation created the very first glimmer of any hope for my daughter.
- I got help for myself. I knew I needed to manage emotions, in order to be strong enough to help my daughter to recovery. My GP prescribed an SSRI, and I started to feel like my old, strong self. Seeing my daughter so sick had paralyzed me with fear. There was so much to learn, so many opinions, and no obvious fail-safe path to follow. The meds helped me get over my incapacitated feeling, and put one foot in front of the other. There were still many times over the next year, that I did not feel we would survive, that we would ever be able to watch her enjoy life again.
was recovery smooth and linear? or difficult and rocky?
- Recovery was so up and down, you’d be dizzy if you looked back.
WERE THERE ANY THINGS THAT MADE THE PATH TOWARDS RECOVERY EASIER?
- I think the turning point, finally, was getting her back on meds. She had sneakily gone off of them several months prior. She was to turn 16 shortly. I stressed over whether she should be are to get her license. My husband convinced me that it was our only choice, that maybe it would be the thing she would eat for. So we told our daughter that people need to be nourished well, to drive, and that otherwise it was like driving drunk, with little to no attention span, slow reflexes, etc. Our previous bargain had been to either go back on meds, or eat 3 meals 3 snacks a day. She chose meds (no surprise there). The next bargain was no driving unless there was a full day of good the previous day, and whatever meals eaten the same day. We finally started to see more gains, more smiles. Every week was not this good, but the day we had a weigh in, and she gained consecutively for 4 weeks felt like a big win!
HOW IS YOUR LIFE DIFFERENT NOW THAT THE ED IS BEHIND YOU?
- Our daughter has chosen to let go of people that were negative in her life. She was able to attend her entire grade 12 year, and made the honor roll. She decided to stop her sports, so I think she realized that rugby may have been a form of self harm. She got her license, got a boyfriend, made new friends, graduated high school. She is thriving. We were never close, since she was a toddler, she wanted her dad. I had come to terms with that. Now she hugs me often, we spend time together, she tells me about boys she likes. She is enjoying the beach, bikinis, and sunshine. She starts college in the fall.
- If you had told me all of this at the end of 2019, when we saw the self harm start, or in March 2020 when she was diagnosed, I never would have believed it. I will always be on the watch for anorexia to rear it’s horrible head, and I hope she will too. Our family has become stronger and closer in a lot of ways. It still causes me to burst into tears at the memories, and our younger daughter goes to counseling to help her through it, but we are here. Strong. Safe. Together.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE THAT RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE, OR THAT IT WILL EVER HAPPEN?
- Keep fighting, keep going, the battle is worth it, and your only choice.